after every storm.

Its been one year, two months, three weeks, and four days since you left this earth and grew your wings. There hasn’t been a single moment in my life that I haven’t thought about you. Every bitter second of every awful day you have gone through my mind. I had a dream last night of grandpa, he was so sick, and I just cried, my whole dream, I cried, I hugged him, I gave him a kiss (always slobbery), I felt his bones from all the weight he had lost and I cried more. In the back of my mind you were already gone and I was jealous that grandpa was gonna be with you, and not me. What do you look like? What are you doing? What are you eating? What are your hobbys? These questions that fill my brain everyday and keep me wondering… What are you Holland Rhaye?

Some questions I may never know. Some things I’ll just have to wait and see. I know gods greatest plan for me have you in them. I know that one day, we will see you again. But until then, I will grieve, I will cry, I will miss you everyday, till we meet again.

You sent me a baby, that must have been to perfect, because now, I no longer have that baby. Two days before your first birthday, your little brother or sister grew their wings and met you at the gates. My heart aches to know you, and that little one. But deep in my heart I know this was my journey, I know I wasn’t suppose to give birth to that child. Until the day comes when we can reunite, I will long to know you both.

Two short weeks after I lost that baby, I was gifted with another one. I could barely believe my eyes when I saw a positive test. I couldn’t believe all the sweet mercy’s god has sent to me. I called my doctor right away and told him I needed to be put on progesterone, I needed to save this baby, and do everything I can. And he listened to me. I am a few days shy of 13 weeks and even on the hard days, I am so grateful for modern medicine, it may have saved me this child, and for this child, we have prayed.

This pregnancy has been so different from my last ones. It has us all convinced its a boy. Hayven wants a sister, and daddy wants a brother, mommy just wants anything that she can get!

For a year we have longed for a child, after Holland. All I’ve ever wanted was to be a mother. We tried, and tried, and every single month was a disappointment. I know your pain all to well mommas, that have tried, and tried and nothing. Do not give up! I promise that babies come when they are suppose to. I believe we all have a journey and sometimes having to wait is part of it. No matter how much it hurts. I know it hurts.

I, to, have hated seeing everyone post pictures of their babies, while I have none. The heart break you feel when yet another person posts that they are expecting, and yet, you have nothing. I know that pain, believe me.

I gave birth twice, to two girls, yet nothing to show for it because I only have one.

Imagine how hard it is for me when someone asks how many children I have, I have TWO, but if I say two, I have to explain to them everything. Every single day I tell the same story, my daughter died two days after birth from a lethal condition. And don’t even think for one minute that I would ever leave her out of my family. She was here, she breathed, she cried, she pooped, just like a baby. She was here.

They say when you can tell your story without crying, you know you survived. So, here I am trying to survive.



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