In that moment

February 12, 2018

I woke up feeling a little optimistic and decided, “What the heck. Just do it!” So I did, I took a test and within five minutes I got the little “plus sign”. Tears were instantly welling up. I couldn’t even believe it. Is this even happening? Almost a year of trying and its finally here! WE ARE HAVING A BABY! YAY!

This baby had to be perfect, right? Holland got to hand pick it, of course it’ll be perfect! “Picked straight from heaven by my big sister!”

I immediately started thinking of nursery themes, names, where it was going to be born. I was about 3 weeks along when I found out. (So early, I just knew this pregnancy was going to drag on.)

February 18, 2018

Started off like any other day, Marlee (the dog) needed to go potty, as she was whining in her kennel, so, I woke up, and instantly felt something weird, “period like” in my pants. I continued walking to the kennel and let the dog out and went to the bathroom and noticed my underwear covered in blood. My heart immediately sunk to the pit of my stomach as I hollered for Riley in the next room, “Riley, I think I’m losing the baby.” “What makes you think that?” He replied. Hesitantly I began, “I’m bleeding.” If you know my husband, then you know he pretty much lives in denial. Which I’snt always a bad thing, on the hardest days he tries to make the situation a little better. For example; he tried so hard to convince me that I was just having implantation bleeding, but in my gut I knew it was just to much blood for implantation. He then went on to tell me some women have periods when they’re pregnant, “its probably just your period.” Again, I knew that wasn’t it. I just knew it.

I called my mom, shaking, and asked her what I should do, “Should I stay home and see what happens?” (After the experience I had, thats what I should have done) or do I go to the ER since its Sunday and no doctors offices are open? I knew I would keep wondering if I don’t go in.

So I did.

The doctor was awful.

The hospital I usually go to is about forty-five minutes away so I just went to the closest place (bad idea).

The nurse started asking questions, “How many pads have you soaked?” my response, “none.” Im not bleeding very much. He looked at me weird. Women that miscarry bleed a lot right? So now, I don’t even know what to think. What is really happening?

They came and took five tubes of blood, and I knew this would give me some answers. They’ll check my HCG levels and we can compare them to my levels I got from my doctor in the previous week. (48 or something like that. low, yes but Ive always had low HCG so I wasn’t worried. With my first pregnancy my levels were 17 at 9 weeks!!)

I could feel light cramping in the middle of my stomach that kind of felt like braxton hicks, but they were bearable.

The ultrasound tech came and got me for an ultrasound to see what was going on.

There was nothing.

The doctor told me that there was “no recollection” that I was even pregnant. No sign of anything in my uterus. “You think I’m lying?” was my exact thought. “Well I was pregnant. I took three tests, all positive. My doctor took 2 including my HCG and I was pregnant.” He seriously was just dumb founded. So Riley spoke up, “What were her HCG levels?” “Oh, we didn’t check those. But we can” At this point not only was I frustrated, but so was Riley. “So let me get this straight. You took 5 tubes of blood and didn’t even check her HCG? How are you suppose to know if she’s even pregnant?” “Well her urine came back negative.” After arguing for a little bit, they checked my levels. The doctor came back thirty minutes later and told us my levels didn’t show up, they are “borderline”. WTF does this mean? “Our test cuts off at 20..” interesting since three years ago my number showed up at 17. But whatever.

He then began to tell us, you maybe pregnant but its to early to see.

I left the hospital not even knowing what was happening. Am I pregnant or am I not?!

So we just went home and waited it out.

…….

That night I felt it. All of it. The cramps, the blood, the pain, the tears. I felt it. Yet, nothing has happened.

The next morning, there it was, my baby, sitting in my shorts, I can’t even believe this. I have never experienced a miscarriage.

Now, I have. Now I have two angels in heaven. Two babies I can’t raise. Two babies that never got to know this life.

…….

The following weeks kind of just seemed like a blur. One second I was pregnant, the next, I wasn’t. It just doesn’t make sense to me. How did this even happen?

From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew I would love this baby so much. I was given another chance of being a mom and that was truly the best thing that has ever happened to me. It is not easy, but it is worth every single ounce of pain we have to endure.

As soon as it was over I could almost physically feel my hormones going back to normal. I cant even begin to explain to you how that felt.

Not very many people speak up about miscarriage. And I get it, is it even significant? Is it even worth telling people? Who even cares. Right?  WRONG.

I GET IT. I CARE!

Talk about your babies, they matter.

Just know mommas, the babies that are gone far to soon were just to perfect for this world.

If you lost a baby in the womb, I PROMISE it was nothing you did. The baby usually has chromosomal abnormalities, which is nothing we could have predicted. Nothing we could have done differently would have saved us this heartache.

Im not giving up. Not when I’m 40, and my oldest is graduating high school, not when I’m 60 holding my grand baby’s in my arms, not when I’m 80 in a nursing home because my husband doesn’t wanna change my diapers anymore. Im not giving up.

YOU SHOULDN’T EITHER.

Life is gonna knock you down more times than you can count, thats when you stand up and show them the bird. Nothing life throws at me will ever make me quit.

Keep going mommas! We got this!

RIP my two beautiful babes,

xoxo

{there was so much more to the story, and that doctor I didn’t share. Quite honestly i don’t even know how he’s still a doctor. Anyway, there’s my two cents.}

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