Broken hearts, sad goodbyes, & warm hellos

Have you ever felt your heart physically breaking? And there is nothing you could do about it? That aching pain in the pit of your stomach because something is missing? I have. 

Growing up my grandpa was always our babysitter. Not very many grandpas can watch kids all day or enjoy their grandkids like a grandma can. But, my grandpa did. 

He loved each and every one of us like we were his own. 

He had to take his naps every day at the same time and I remember saying everytime he had a nap, “I’m not going to nap but I’ll go lay down with you.” But every time I fell asleep. 

Sometimes I feel like he was our family doctor. We went to him for everything and he always had the right medicine or the right advice to get us feeling better. I don’t know how he knew so much, maybe it just came with age.

He lived on a dirt road and him and my grandma had this old blue car, I can’t even remember how old I was, surely not old enough to drive but he wanted to teach me to drive a stick so we would drive down to the mail box to get mail and come back. I can just hear the frustration in his voice now because I kept killing it. Oh man, what I would give to have him yell at me now. {The smallest things we always took for granted.}

A few months back he started getting really sick and ended up in the hospital in Provo for a month or so and we would go visit him every time we had a doctors appointment. You could see him suffering, in pain but trying so hard to be strong for his family. 

His voice got weaker and weaker every day. It absolutely killed me to see him like this. I can not imagine life without him in it. Nothing would be the same if he passed. 

We knew that it could be any day now that he would go. He had really bad days when he couldn’t stay awake and it was just so rough on him. 

While we were visiting I was talking to him about Holland. He was completely out of it and not aware of anything but, as soon as I asked him if he would take care of her for me till I can he actually replied, “I will.” I told him I needed him to be there so she wasn’t alone. He then replied, “she won’t be.” My entire heart crushed. I can’t even believe I’m having this conversation right now. 


We talked about him riding horses with her, teaching her how to tie her shoes, and making sure she always took a nap with him. 

Finally, when his stay was up they got to move him to Richfield, to Stonehenge where he was closer to family and in his home town where he wanted to be. 

There seemed to be more bad days than good. He was so scared to die. He didn’t like talking about it (who would though?) He was NOT ready to go. 

On February 19th I woke up and got my entire house cleaned. I mean laundry, dishes, floor, bathroom was scrubbed down. Everything! I had been on Rileys butt all week about getting the dishes done because I was not about to go into labor and end up in the hospital with dishes in my sink. I don’t want to come home to a house full of dirty dishes that smell like mold. (Yes, I’m THAT person 😉) 

I told Riley I wanted to spend some time with Hayven before baby got here so she didn’t feel “replaced” or that I didn’t love her anymore. So, we went to town where he “pre bowled” his game that week since our c section was scheduled on his bowling night. Hayven and I played in the arcade then went to see grandpa that night… not knowing that would be the last time I would see him. 

That night when we got home my water broke. I had Holland in Provo Monday morning. My sister was at work (she works at Stonehenge) that night and showed my grandpa a picture of Holland. She said he was completely out of it but opened is eyes good enough to see a picture, “grandpa, Tasia had her baby.” “She’s beautiful”, he replied with a smile on his face. I can honestly picture his smile now. It wasn’t one you would miss. Ear to ear smile. 

That next morning, about 1:30am on Tuesday, he passed away. 

I know in my heart he was waiting for her arrival. He needed to make sure she was okay. 

I honestly believe my water broke early because he would not have made it to Thursday to see her. He suffered for months, waiting her arrival. He waited till I was full term and could deliver her. (God works in mysterious ways) 

OR Holland wouldn’t have made it to Thursday and god knew I needed my time with her so she came early. 

The next day, Wednesday at 4:20 am our sweet  Holland took her last breath and made her way to grandpa at the golden gates. 

I truly believe every single thing happens for a reason. My grandpa loved his granddaughters so much he held on and suffered for 2 months when he should have passed a long time ago. 

The way I see things in this world are so different now. There is a reason for everything you do. My body knew I was going to have baby soon so I cleaned my house and got my dishes done, so I wasnt stressing in the hospital about it 😉 

There was a reason I spent that extra time with Hayven on Sunday. There was a reason I went and saw my grandpa that day. 

There was a reason you woke up today. There is a reason for everything and everything happens for a reason. 

I’m not trying to preach but I find it amazing how everything worked out. 

Because of the visions/dreams, I absolutely know Holland was to perfect for this earth. My grandpa was so scared to die I know he needed her. But, I needed him to be there for her. 

Our hearts are absolutely broken, crushed into a million pieces..but, I can only imagine how absolutely beautiful grandpa and Holland are. They are healthy, happy and at peace. PLUS they have each other. So that makes it better. 

My grandpa may have been a little stubborn and the biggest smart elic you’d ever meet but he always had the biggest heart and would do anything for anyone. His family always came first.

 I will miss sitting in his lap in his rocking chair and eating chimichangas all day. 

I love you more than you could possibly know pops and I can’t wait to see you smile again. Rest In Peace and give Holland a kiss for me. 

Xoxo

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