How is that you are almost 3 weeks old but you aren’t even suppose to be here till tomorrow?! You should still be in my belly! 

I know I’m not the only one that still “feels” the baby kick after birth even when they aren’t in there. I think just all my stomach muscles are going back down and everything is getting “rearranged” in there so I feel it and it feels exactly like your tiny kicks. 

You were sooo good to me when you were in there it makes me miss being pregnant so much! I don’t know if I’d feel that way if you were here but I truly do miss it. 

Before she made her appearance, every single day we would stress about “How long is she gonna live?” “Is she gonna be born alive?” “Do we get to bring her home?” “Is she going to need surgery right away?” I mean there were so many unknowns and it took a huge toll on us. 

I never want to say that I’m glad it’s over because I will never be glad she was taken from me. I am glad she isn’t suffering and I know she is in a happy, peaceful place. But, in a way I am at peace and I wish I could explain in words how I feel but I just can’t. 

We are no longer stressing about the unknown and had we chosen to do surgery and miraculously she survived she would live her entire life in the hospital. Getting poked every single day. Tubes in her nose, down her throat, and an IV they would have to change probably every other day and then we’d worry about her gaining weight and so on. 

Not only would she be suffering and fighting her whole life my other baby, Hayven would be suffering. I would be in the hospital with Holland and she wouldn’t see her momma. If I was with Hayven then Holland wouldn’t be with her momma. And I think that is why I am at peace. I did what I was suppose to do. And I hope no other mom ever has to make a decision like we had to. 

It has been about two weeks since we got home from the hospital and I still haven’t got the nerve to empty your bag. I just threw it, in what would be your dresser and shut the drawer. It’s not that I don’t want to remember everything but it hurts to remember so for now that’s where it’ll sit. 

We got a cute shadow box to put some of your things in and it turned out so cute! 

Now I think I need a bigger one because there’s so much stuff in your diaper bag I want to put in there. 😊 

They put you and grandpa right next to each other in the reaper.. I don’t know if it was a coincidence or what but it’s kind of special to me. 

Hayven knows exactly who you are. She points to you on the wall “baby sister” and can point grandpa out, “great papa.” I will continue to show her pictures of you so she never forgets. I know she knows something is wrong because she has acted so different since you passed. They told us kids don’t know how to show grief so they will probably act differently and I think that is why Hayven has been so whiny. Well, between that and terrible twos I don’t know. 

I wish there was a way I could talk to you so I knew you were okay and that I did what you needed me to do. I wish I could hold you one more time, tell you how much I love you and sing to you. 

I remember when you were in my belly I was taking a bath and I started singing “You are my sunshine” to you and you went crazy. You weren’t an active baby and when I would sing that you would kick like crazy so that automatically became my favorite song to sing to you.

You know when they say, “The sicker you are the healthier the baby is” when you’re pregnant? That explains this pregnancy so good. I was hardly sick, because you were sick.

 I carried you every second of your life and I will love you every second of mine. 

No matter how much time goes on you will always, always be loved and in our hearts. 

Holland Rhaye Duncan, you have made your momma so strong and I am so glad you are/were apart of my life. You have changed me to the person I needed to become and made me feel closer to our Heavenly Father. 

The life lessons you have thrown at me and daddy will continue on. You were my strong girl and I love you very much. 

Rest In Peace angel. 

Xoxo