Our last night with you.

Tuesday February 21, 2017

I think the day started out pretty good. I, of course never put my phone down because I was afraid I would miss something so I just kept taking pictures of your sweet face. I recorded your cry and your little squeaky voice just so I could always remember that sound.

As the day went on things started to go down hill. Your oxygen levels were dropping and your heart rate would go down, then back up again. I knew in my heart that it wouldn’t be long. But I never thought of the goodbye. I lived in the moment to cherish those memories with you.

It has officially been a week since I held you in my arms. I can’t even believe it has gone by so fast.

I got my stitches out and in a way I was relieved because they were starting to get itchy and annoying but I almost didn’t want to walk into the hospital to get them taken out because that means life is going on and I have to move on with it.

I think this whole week has just been a shock. On Tuesday I found out grandpa died and then the very next day you did. Everyone keeps saying how strong I am but I don’t know that I am.

My hormones are all out of whack right now and I think its really starting to hit me. You are gone. It almost doesn’t seem real. I had a baby a week ago and she’s not in my arms right now.

We had a photographer come and take your pictures with us. She showed up right after you had your first “episode” I guess I could call it? When we thought you were gone the first time. I am so grateful she came because with my pregnancy brain I don’t know that I could remember all these little tiny moments I got with you.

“They say there is reason, they say that time will heal, but neither time nor reason will change the way I feel. For no one knows the heartache that lies behind my smile, no one knows how many times I have broken down and cried. I want to tell you something so there won’t be any doubt, you’re so wonderful to think of but so hard to be without. For I will continue to grieve for all the tomorrows that will never be, I grieve because god now holds you instead of me. Days will pass, that will turn into years, but I will always remember you with silent tears. I may not be able to hold you in my arms but I will continue to hold you in my heart.”

“Daddy, please don’t look so sad, mommy please don’t cry. I am in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies. Please try not to question god, don’t think he is unkind, don’t think he sent me to you and then he changed his mind. You see, I am a special child, and I’m needed up above I’m the special gift you gave him, the product of your love. I’ll always be there with you and watch the sky at night, find the brightest star thats gleaming, thats my halos brilliant light.”

I wish so badly time would slow down. I know that weeks, months, years will go by and we have to continue on with our new “normal” but it is so hard. I’m left with all these pictures, scars and a diaper bag that I can’t seem to get myself to unpack because I know it will kill me inside to remember it all. I hated to see you struggle and I only hope that you didn’t have to suffer.

I would be lying if I didn’t question god. Why did he take you away so soon? I felt like maybe I didn’t deserve to be a mom again. But I know, no matter how hard it is he sent you to me for a reason.

You are now my guardian angel and I can’t wait to see you again.

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