February 15, 2017

It’s been a while since I wrote a blog, so please forgive me! It has been a crazy few weeks and we are approaching delivery date soon. I am 36+5 days today and I am starting to feel contractions, though they aren’t strong enough I am trying my very best to stay as relaxed as possible. It’s almost impossible with a wild two year old!

In two short days I am meeting with my doctor that is going to deliver our baby girl (same doctor that delivered Hayven up north.) And we are going to set up a delivery date. I spoke with the Neonatologist last week that is working on my case and he said lets shoot for around 38 weeks.  Thats next week!!! WHAT!!! (They don’t want me going into labor here in Gunnison if I’m delivering in Provo. Especially since I am having a repeat c-section.)

Speaking with the Neonatologist he seemed pretty confident that baby will come home within a week (SOOO crazy!!) Of course that is amazing news BUT terrifying also. No matter what happens it will all be the same outcome. Death.

She could live for an hour, she could live for a week, maybe even a few months. Only 10% of Trisomy 18 babies make it to their first birthday. I don’t like to think about it, but in a way I wish I knew what to expect just so I can plan for it.

As of right now, because we ended up moving I have NOTHING ready for the baby to come home. I don’t want to try and get everything ready either and end up having to take it all down if she doesn’t come home.

The only thing that I have ready or in the process of being ready is mine and babies hospital bag. Her diaper bag is pretty much packed. I have the cutest little booties, blankys, and some preemie clothes I picked up yesterday all ready to go! Just so she can dressed cute in the hospital. I have majority of my stuff packed besides a few odds and ends that I will get ready the night before. So if any of you have tips, tricks, advice on what to pack or bring for a c section PLEASE help me out!

Riley and I were talking yesterday and it got me thinking… God does not want me to hurt, he doesn’t want us to have to go through all this but he needs her. I know he is doing this to “teach” us something. Maybe we need to change? Maybe me and Riley need to grow closer as a couple? There is something that he is doing. Plus, there’s not very many people that can say they carried and held an angel. But, I can say that! I am literally carrying one of gods angels inside of me, and because of that I will always have an angel watching out for me. He is building his army and he needs her.

There comes a time when you literally learn to “accept” what is happening, or what is going to happen and the tears just don’t come anymore. Of course when people talk to me about it I shed a tear but I have gotten so much stronger that I just don’t cry anymore. Now, that’s not to say that I’m not going to be a complete lunatic when she actually gets here.

I cried the other day because I am not ready to leave Hayven for who knows how long. Obviously she will be taken care of and will come and see me when she can but I am going to miss her so much when I’m away having the baby. I just want her to be apart of it all and unfortunately she just cant. And I just can’t leave the baby because I don’t want to miss an ounce of loving on her before she goes. There is no good outcome to any of this, and some say, “there has to be something good that comes from all of this.” But, what could possibly be good enough to mend a broken heart, to take our hurt and pain away? There isn’t anything. BUT if there is something I can’t wait to know what it is.

Now, maybe I’m just rambling on and on and you all are sick of me. But it’s like a journal, I need to vent and share my feelings and this is just the place. So thanks for listening, thanks for the support and most importantly, thanks for the love.

xoxo

-Tasia