January 8, 2017

I have been reading through my journal that I have been writing so many thoughts and feelings in towards all of this. I thought I’d share a little bit…

On this day, January 8th, it has been two days since we found out that our baby girl has Trisomy 18 (through our blood work.) I have been feeling so overwhelmed and just don’t know what to do. I sit here planning my unborn daughters funeral.

I am having a beautiful dress made for her out of my wedding dress to have her buried in. I have so many unanswered questions at this very moment. How long is she going to live for after birth? Will she even be born alive? My heart is hurting so much to even think about this.

I know I just want a small memorial service with my siblings and parents. Same goes for hospital visitation, siblings and parents only after me and Riley spend some good time with her. This is such a personal thing for us so I want to keep it personal.

I am so completely heartbroken. It’s Sunday and I am currently 31+2 weeks and I still feel her move and kick every single day. I’ve heard a lot of babies only make it to the second trimester when they are born with Trisomy. But my sweet baby made it this far.

There are two ways I can look at this situation. I can see it as although god is taking my baby away, she wont suffer her whole life. God gave her to me because he thought I was strong enough to handle this. He knew I needed her and he needed her to have a body and to finish her duties up in heaven. She is such a fighter and a warrior. Even though I may not get to raise her here or be with her everyday I know I will again. He created this very special, very beautiful baby girl. Just for me and she is all mine.

I can also be so mad at god for taking her away. Why was I not good enough to raise her? Am I bad mom? What did I do wrong? Why do I deserve this? I don’t deserve to be a mom? Why is this happening? And believe me I have asked all those questions. I have yelled at god. I have been to my lowest point. But none of this helped me. It made me feel worse.

Even though this is the hardest thing I will ever endure in my life, I know god has a plan. Even if it completely sucks.

I just believe we have the power to make ourselves feel a certain way. We can be so angry and hateful or we can be glad that I will always have an angel looking out for me. She wont have to go through a bunch of surgeries all her life or suffer an ounce of pain.

Yesterday Riley brought up organ donations. This was HARD to hear. I’m not exactly sure it would even work because of her diagnosis, but somehow I feel like, knowing apart of her saved another babies life and apart of her is still living on earth it might bring me some peace.

I just know if i was one of those moms just sitting back watching my baby suffer, waiting for an organ to help them survive it would completely break me. Seeing our babies suffer is the hardest thing. ever.

There is absolutely no way of knowing how this outcome is going to be. Maybe she’ll live for years. Maybe she’ll live for a few hours, maybe even weeks. It’s the unknown that hurts. Sometimes I wish I could see the future so I know what to plan for.

I want to meet her so badly but I’m not ready to say goodbye. I don’t think I ever will be either.

-mrsmommaduncan