Six months ago I held you for the first time. Six months ago, I heard your little cry for the first time. Six months ago.. I became a mother to two baby girls and said goodbye to one of them.
I hate the word goodbye… I should have said, “tell we meet again.”
I always wonder what you would be like if you were here. Would you have blonde hair or brown hair like your sister? Would it be curly like Hayvens and daddy’s or straight like mommys? Would “mmmooommmm” be your first word? I wonder if you would be sitting up yet. Would sweet potatoes and bananas be your favorite, like Hayven? Or would you like peas and carrots? Would I still be nursing you? (I always hoped I would nurse till you were one) would you be keeping me up all night? Because I’d give up all my sleep just to have you here with me. Would your legs be full of rolls I have to move out of the way just to wipe your butt? Would you know that even on my hardest days I’d always choose you?
If she’s moving on does that mean she’s leaving me? I don’t want her to move on. I don’t want her to leave me. She’s in a different world but I still want her near.
It’s been six months and I still have not touched her diaper bag. I haven’t got brave enough too… maybe I never will.
So many wishes I had for you. So many memories I never got. All the clothes I bought for you that never got to be worn. All the matching bows I had planned for you and Hayven that never got worn.
Now let me tell you what I think you are.
I think you’re a dancer, I think you have long, blonde hair, I think you’re an angel, I bet you sing in the shower and I bet you sit on grandpas lap just like me.
I bet you nap with grandpa every day, I bet you’re fishing and riding horses. I bet grandpa introduced you to all his animals he lost. Most of them were probably ran over by him! (Haha)
I bet you’re hearding sheep with great (great) grandpa, I bet all those memories I wanted with you, you’re making. Just without me.
I bet you’re dancing in the stars, laughing at your big sister because, she is so silly! I bet you’re talking to Hayven all the time because she talks about you ALL THE TIME! She remembers EVERYTHING about you. She always tells me, “shhh, baby sister sleeping.” Just like I told her in the hospital when you were sleeping in my arms.
She knows those flowers from your grave are yours. She tells me everyday. She thinks every beanie she has is yours because you were a beanie in the hospital. She tells me, “baby sisters name is “hollwind.”
We will never stop talking about you. We will never stop thinking about you and we will never stop hurting. I will always sing, “You are my sunshine.”
A mom that’s barely surviving, day by day.