I have fallen apart everyday this week. My baby is almost 3 months old in heaven. 

Do you remember the poem that was on the back of Hollands obituary?

Time has not healed anything. I still don’t know the reason. I go around everyday with a smile on my face in hopes that nobody can see my pain. 

I’ve never been one to open up or share my feelings with people. I’m a very private person, in fact writing a blog has been extremely hard for me. But writing it all down I feel like maybe I am talking to someone. That someone is listening to me. 

I hate attention and I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. There have been days I just lock myself in the bathroom and have a meltdown. Nobody understands, nobody cares, nobody listens. But they do. 

I know my family loves me, I know my husband understands. I just can’t open up about it. I keep it bottled away for so long until I finally lose it. 

I hate when Hayven sees my cry. I tried for so long to stay strong, even when the tears are welling up. I suck it up, I hide, and I show a smile. I need her to know I’m okay, but it is so hard. 

The pain of Holland and my grandpa are so significant some days I don’t even think I will make it. Is life really worth living if they can’t be here? Yes, I’ve contemplated this. No, I am not a suicidal person but the thought of death is not scary to me. I would be with Holland. I would be able to hold her everyday. I would hear her cry, I could see her smile, I can teach her to walk, and talk and tie her shoes just like I have done with Hayven. 

I know she doesn’t want me to hurt and cry but is she only knew how much I love her. (I’m sure she does.) 

Being a mom is one of the hardest jobs I will ever have to do. 

My sister sent me this last night. Not even knowing the kind of week I have had. Not knowing that I had already lost it that day. But it was exactly what I needed.

Oh, just the thought of Holland waiting for me at the gates warms my heart. It will be such paradise to be with my family all as one. 

I hope what they say, “time heals all wounds” really is true because all time had done to me is make it harder, ripped me open more, and made me realize, you truly don’t know what you have till they’re gone. 

I love talking about Holland but I always feel like people are sick of hearing about it so I push it to the back burner and try not to mention her. It hurts even more. 

I’m only 22 and have gone through so much in my life already. I truly believe god only gives us trials in our life that he knows we can handle. But, I also believe before we come to earth we choose our trials. I just can’t wait for the day that I understand mine.

You truly never know how strong you are till being strong is your only choice. 

Xoxo

Tasia