{vulnerability at its best}

January 31, 2017

Today I cried.

I haven’t cried for awhile. I think it’s because it has all finally sunk in what’s about to happen and believe it or not I think you can run out of tears.

I am following a few pages on facebook a lot about special needs children and some strictly on Trisomy 18 babies.

I read a story today about a mom who got the same blood testing done I did and it told her that her baby had Trisomy 18 and she was born perfectly healthy.

I read another story that a mom got the blood testing and amnio done and said her baby had Trisomy 18 and besides a few birth defects that got fixed he is now healthy and happy.

So, I cried.

I have a lot of friends that are having babies and although I am SO happy for them I would be lying if I said it doesn’t kill me to see all this beautiful, happy, healthy babies. I would give anything to be in their shoes. But I would never wish this hurt on anyone.

I just want to be that one in a million that says all the tests were wrong and my baby is healthy (besides her heart, we can fix that!)

I just want to bring my baby home. I just want to hear her first laugh, see her first smile, listen to all her jibber jabber when she starts talking.

I know that no matter what happens I will get to raise her. Even if it’s not on this earth. I just don’t want to wait.

So, I cried.. again.

I am just grateful god gave me Hayven first. I honestly do not think I could get through it without her (and of course Riley.) She doesn’t understand what’s going on. I’m sure she just wonders why mommy and daddy have been crying so much. But she is very sweet to offer a hug every time a tear falls.

I read a quote once that said, “God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers.” I don’t know if I would say I’m strong, but I sure am doing the very best I can. And if this sweet little miss hangs on she will be the strongest soldier yet!

I really am usually not this open or let people see me so vulnerable but today it just hit me. Now, that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy seeing everyones babies so keep those pictures coming! Something needs to help with this baby hunger till my little miss gets here!

I know I probably say it a lot but I am so grateful for each and everyone of you guys. You have been amazing and your prayers have been felt.

love you all,


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