Growing up I was never the “popular” one or the one with a million friends. I didn’t party, I chose to sit home most weekends while the friends I did have would go party or choose things I really wasn’t comfortable with.
I was never a procrastinator, if I had a paper to write it was written in one day. If I had a book to read it was read in 2 days. Homework was always done. My room was always clean and I never had “junk” just laying around. That was just me. It drove me crazy. And my family. I always had to organize things. When I go to other people’s house and there’s a little mess of some sort I literally will “casually” clean it up.
I always just told myself I’m just a little OCD… that just wasn’t quite it.
After I lost Holland I noticed how bad my anxiety really got. Every single thing I was worried about, I would stress about everything. If my dad took Hayven for the day I would stress about where they are, what they’re doing. Is someone going to hurt her? Is she eating? Did he tell her pee? I KNOW that she’s safe but I couldn’t help but stress about it. I don’t even like going into public because I’m afraid everyone’s looking at me and judging me. I don’t even like wearing flip flops because people will look at my feet. (I know the smallest things make me the craziest)
I tell myself I don’t care what people think but I really do. I really do worry about everything I say or post. I never want anyone to hate me. I never want anyone to think I’m drama or gossiper or anything. I hate to post anything anymore because I’m so worried about offending someone.
I told my doctor exactly what I was feeling. He put me on a small dose of anxiety meds. I never freak out or get all shaky but I thought maybe a small dose would help. And boy has it ever!
There have been days I forget to take it and I realize how snappy I am and how low on patience I am. I literally do not think I could have potty trained Hayven with out them. I’m such a better mom because of it.
I always just thought I had anxiety after Holland. No, it was just sent into over drive. I’ve literally had this my entire life and never did anything about it. I never thought twice about it.
I decided I didn’t want it to get any worse and got the help I know I needed but never wanted to admit it. I don’t want to seem “weak.” I never wanted to share my vulnerable side of me. I never wanted people to think less of me. I really try so hard to be nice to everyone.
I’m so good at holding grudges and not letting things go. Somebody did we wrong 6 years ago? They can burn in hell. That’s literally what I thought.
I have made a promise to myself to let go of the past. Try to be a better person. Not just for myself but for my family. Yes, I do things and say things that I later regret. I’m only human. The only thing I can truly do is try to change the person I’ve always been or who I am becoming into somebody I’ve always dreamed of being.
I have deleted Facebook for the time being and have not regretted it all. It seems all it ever did for me was drag me down into everyone else’s drama and give me more anxiety.
There’s days when I just cry. I go in the other room and break down. I don’t feel like I’ll make it. I worry so much about everyone else I don’t feel like I ever take care of myself.
Sometimes taking a step back into reality and what’s going on around you is what is truly best.
For now, I am going to live in the moment. Count my blessings I have all around me and pray to god I can get through this year.
A mom trying her very best