8 weeks

8 weeks and 1 day ago we laid you to rest my sweet girl. Oh how much you are missed!

I remember a few blogs back that I was talking about how I was feeling so much guilt for my grandpa being gone and I haven’t felt the guilt with Holland. Now, I feel it everyday.

Going through the grieving process I feel so guilty that I don’t cry more than I do. I feel guilty that I have to continue on with my life. I feel guilty because I’m okay. Of course I hurt and wish so badly she was here but I’m okay.

Her pictures are all over my house so she is constantly on my mind. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. I feel guilty because it has gone by so fast I feel like it didn’t happen. I can’t believe 4 months ago I was pregnant. How is that even possible? It really is surreal.

I don’t even think I would have survived this without Hayven. She gives me reason to live. Holland gives me reason to die. If I didn’t have Hayven I don’t know if I would even be here.

I can’t believe I could have a two month old right now along with a two year old. Sometimes I wonder if I would have even survived having two kids so close in age. Hayven keeps me on my toes as it is. I can’t imagine two Hayvens. 😜

I feel guilty because I don’t know if I’m suppose to have more kids. Will Holland be okay if I have more? I don’t ever want her to feel replaced because my heart is big enough to hold all my babies.

If there was anything Holland learned from her short time here on earth it was that she was loved more than the millions of stars in the sky.

Hollands headstone should be done soon! I am so excited to see the finished product!

Today we drove by a road that had a memory of my grandpa and I just lost it. I never thought I would have to live my life without him. I never wanted to imagine that. But now I do. I love that man so damn much it hurts so bad that he’s not here. I can still hear his scratchy voice in my head. I wish I could just see him one more time.

Losing not one, but two of the most important people in my life a day apart is beyond the hardest thing I have ever encountered in my life.

I hope they both hear me talk to them everyday. I hope they’re at peace and out of pain.



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