Dear Holland,

I cannot believe that it has been 4 weeks. A whole month since you were born. Since I held you in my arms. How is that even possible? In two days you took your last breath for the very last time. 💔 

I remember the day they took you out and you were basically gone. Your heart rate was about 35-40 and it should have been in the hundreds. I was sooo extremely tired I was out of it. It had been over 24 hours since I slept all I wanted was to just shut my eyes for 10 minutes but your dad came in and handed you to me because we thought you were leaving us. You were testing our strength. In those moments of you in my arms I had no emotion. I don’t know if it was because I was so tired or because I was shocked that you were here. You were oh so tiny and fit perfectly right on my chest.

I just held you and loved on you and talked to you for as long as I possibly could. Then the doctors came out and asked us what we wanted to do. Your daddy made all the decisions right then and I am so so proud of him. He chose to try the oxygen again and guess what? You came back. The oxygen worked and your heart rate went up. I just couldn’t believe it. I just kept asking the nurses how you were doing while they stitched me up. Truly truly a miracle.

The grieving counselor told us that toddlers don’t know how to show their emotions or know how to grieve so we will notice a difference in Hayven and we most definitely have! She never wants mom and dad to leave her. She always wants to be “home.” And although the passed couple of days she has been really good she has gotten a lot more whiny and cries a lot more. She used to point to my belly when I would ask her where baby sister is and now she doesn’t know what to say. I try and show her pictures every day and we talk about you quite often but she just doesn’t quite understand.

The day you passed I asked your grandparents to bring Hayven up so she can say goodbye to you before we had to send you away, so they did. When they opened the door and Hayven saw us she was TERRIFIED. You could see the look on her face she KNEW you were gone. It was so crazy. She wanted nothing to do with me or daddy she just kept freaking out and running away from us. So I imagine she must have seen you that night through the veil and she was just trying to understand.

I hope you know how much you are truly loved. Do you know how many people read all these blogs about you? THOUSANDS. You are changing lives little girl. I wish I could take all the credit for being so strong or having the courage to talk about this but it is all you. You did all this.

I quite often wish we could go back in time so I could hold you one more time. Just one more time. And kiss your sweet cheeks again. But, for now will you just take an air hug and a kiss I blow to the sky?

Do you see all these people that love YOU? They came here to remember and celebrate your life. I cannot believe the amount of love we have received. It is absolutely mind blowing.

Hayven thought you were sleeping. She kept telling us to “shhh, baby sleepin.”

I know god gives us theses trials because he knows we can handle them.  And when we first find out about your diagnosis I didn’t think I would make it. I truly thought I was going to die. But I made it. I faced the hardest trial I will ever encounter and I survived.

They always say to conquer your fears. My greatest fear was losing one of my babies. I conquered that! 

My testimony for your Heavenly Father has grown a thousand times. And because of the atonement and his sacrifices he made for us I know I will be with you again. Will you wait for me? 

I think about you everyday and I smile because me and daddy created something so perfect she couldn’t even live on this corrupted earth. How cool is that? You were just to perfect. 

Can you hear me when I sing to you at your grave? Or when we come and just talk about life? Are you listening? Did you see the bunny I got you for Easter with your Flowers? Do you like it? 

We have your headstone ordered and its absolutely beautiful! So you won’t be covered in dirt for much longer! 

There is so many things I want to say to you but all I’ll say for now is I love you baby, so much. I cannot wait for the day when we meet again.

Watch over your big sister and keep papa busy. 💗 

Xoxo 

Mommy