Happiest birthday baby girl. There hasn’t been a single day in these 730 days that you’ve been gone that I haven’t thought about you. We talk about you often. You are a popular topic in this house. Your big sister talks about you everyday. “I miss Holland mom. I wish she was here to play with me” “I wish Holland was here. It breaks my heart mom.” I wish so much you were here to celebrate. We could have a princess party, watch you blow out your candles, open all your presents (with the help of your sister because I know she wouldn’t be able to help herself), and just see you smiling. It would be the best day ever!

Does heaven celebrate birthdays? I sure hope they celebrate you today because you deserve it!

Its been two years, yet, feels like a lifetime, but it also feels like it was yesterday I was kissing your sweet face. Time is tricky.

In these passed twenty four months I have felt probably every emotion that a body could ever feel. Sadness, heartache, loneliness, depression, and sometimes, I feel like death. But, I’ve also felt happiness, gratefulness, excitement, joy, ecstatic, and contentment. And, I think the good out weighs the bad. Even in this situation. I still dream of the day where there’s a world with you in it.

I often wonder what life would be like if you were still here. Would we have more babies? Would McQuaid be apart of our life? Because now we cant imagine him not being here!

Two days ago was the anniversary of the loss of your sibling we tried so hard to have. I can only imagine how sweet heaven is with both of you there.

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I think we all kind of grieve in our own way. We all handle heartbreaking circumstances differently. A question Ive been asked a few times was how I coped with knowing Holland had a lethal condition and if it drew me closer to god because of it.

When we first found out about it I definitely tore farther away from god. I didn’t understand why this was happening we wanted this baby so much and loved her so much and didn’t understand why he was taking her away. I questioned everything.

I remember the day like it was yesterday when we got the phone call of her diagnosis. (Can you imagine having to be that person to tell a mother that she’s going to lose her baby? I couldn’t do it. That would kill me.) I was in the shower when my phone rang so Riley answered it. They asked for me and I quickly dried my ear off and hopped out. I was standing at the end of my bed with a towel wrapped around my pregnant, soaking body as she explained to me that my daughter had Trisomy 18. I didnt quite understand what that was so she explained it. Then went on to tell me that only 10% of Trisomy 18 babies make it to their first birthday.

I was a wreck. A complete, sobbing mess. We hung up the phone and my nose started to bleed. So I sat there on my knees, now covered in my own blood, asking, begging, pleading to god to make this right. To fix this. This isnt how it was suppose to be. Why are you doing this? I remember asking Riley “how the hell am I suppose to bury my daughter? How the hell am I gonna get through this?” We sobbed.

The first person I called was my mom. She tries to make every situation better. She kept telling me “maybe she’ll be one in a million. Maybe she can fight this. Maybe the doctor made a mistake.” Im a lot like her and tend to live in denial instead if facing the reality of horrible situations.

As time went on, I learned more about her condition. My thought process grew closer to god. I prayed everyday that we would get through this. That these terrible times would soon end and we’d be okay. I didn’t know what else to do, so I leaned on him. I prayed & prayed & prayed. And somehow here we are. We survived.

Typically the hardest trials in life bring the most joy.

Every bad, terrible thing has a good ending. We might not know what, or when, but there will be happiness again. There is always something good in a bad, terrible circumstance. You just have to look for it.

Just to think that I have 2 precious babies waiting for me is enough for me to find happiness in my dark days. I know I will see them again. I know I will raise them when the time comes. If it hadn’t of been for Holland I wouldn’t have learned to love differently. (If you read the blog about her duty for earth you will understand.) I do love differently & I wish I knew how to explain what that means but it makes so much sense to me.

Somehow, god needed you more than I did and thats just something I’m gonna have to live with for the rest of my life.

Xoxo to the birthday girl!

Mommy.