Jesus told me that they were the ones. That this mommy would love me forever no matter how different i was. He told me i was special so he had to send me to a special mommy and daddy. That they would always know what to do.
Weeks went by and daddy kept saying i bet its a boy! Mommy knew i was a girl. Mommy always knows.
Because i was so special i let mommy have a good pregnancy. I didnt like when she was sick or hurting.
When i grew to 16 weeks mommy and daddy found out i was a girl. Mommy was so excited. She couldnt wait for big sister to meet me. But i was different. But Mommy doesnt know yet.
Mommy would sing to me and talk to me everyday. She knew i liked the sound of her voice because i would dance everytime she sang.
Yay! Mommy gets to see me today! I tried to wave to her but i dont think she could tell. The nurse took lots of pictures of me for mommy to take home.
But the nurse found it. She saw my heart. Oh no! Mommys gonna be so sad. She told mommy to come back in 3 weeks so she can get a better picture. Mommy was so scared.
I tried so hard to hug mommy and tell her its gonna be okay. I kicked her to tell her im okay. That its gonna be okay. But she cried for three weeks.
“I thought you told me she will love me no matter what, god?” “Why does she keep crying?”
“Oh darling, shes crying because she loves you to much.”
Three weeks have come and gone. I grew bigger, i had ten little fingers and ten little toes. I have two eyes and a cute button nose.
Mommy was so scared. I know she was scared. She didnt know what to expect. Until the doctor confirmed my condition: pulmonary atresia.
There she goes again, crying and crying and crying.
“God, why are you doing this to mommy? She doesnt deserve this.”
“Soon my child, you will understand. Very soon.”
They sent us to so many doctors and told mommy she needed to run more test and get more answers.
So, mommy did it. She got more answers. She got her blood test back and it confirmed that i had what the doctor called, “Trisomy 18.”
“God, is this why I’m so special?”
“Yes my dear. Your mommy knows what to do. I need you here with me and your mommy can make that happen.” “Her heart is gonna hurt and shes gonna cry a lot. But i promise you that she will be okay. Thats why i chose her.”
He was right… mommy cried a lot. Everyday. She yelled at god and asked him “why?” I just wanted to hug her and tell her its gonna be okay. I dont like when mommy cries. Mommy please stop crying. Im so sorry. God said he has a plan. Please understand.
More and more doctors appointments. Mommy had to do a lot of stress tests and make sure i was still there. I was there. Every time, i was there.
Mommy is sad again, great papa is having a hard time. They put him in the hospital. Mommy cried again.
“God, why is papa sick? Why does mommy keep crying? Please help her understand.”
“Darling, as soon as you’re here it will all make sense. I promise! Just hang on. Ill keep papa safe. Mommy will be okay. Shes strong.”
Mommy was so excited she made it full term with me! She said i can come any day. She was so excited to meet me. I couldnt wait for her to see me and hold me. Ive waited nine months for this moment.
She cleaned all day. Doesnt she know shes nine months pregnant and shouldnt be scrubbing her floors in bleach? But she scrubbed and scrubbed. She told daddy she wanted everything cleaned before i got there.
Papa finally got transferred back down to his hometown and mommy took sister and me to see him. She wanted to spend time with sister before i got there.
She went bowling and played tickets with sister after seeing papa. Then we drove home and momma showered and got ready for bed. She was so tired.
We all snuggled up on the couch and momma drifted off to sleep on daddy, but god said, “its time Holland. Its time to go. He cant hang on any longer. He fought his battle. Its your turn.”
“But god, shes sleeping.”
“We have to go. Im sorry.”
“POP and GUSH!”
She just stood there. Shaking. Soaking wet and shaking. Daddy’s running around like a lunatic and mommies just standing there.
We rushed to the hospital, got checked in, they checked on me and said to head up north.
Mommy got prepped for yet another c section and couldn’t stop crying. Ive never seen her so scared. Doesn’t she want to see me?
They started cutting, i could see the knife. The doctor kept talking, “almost there.”
“Here she is!”
And they took off to the back. But what about mommy? I need my mommy and she needs to see me.
So i pretended like i couldn’t breath so they would take me to her. It totally worked! Daddy brought me to mommy and she cried and kissed me and sang to me just like she always did. She loves me just like god said she would. She really loves me. She snuggled me for as long as she could. But daddy took me away and took me back. I guess i better behave, i thought. Mommy needs to hold me more so i guess ill let them hook me up to machines.
I kept looking at daddy like he’s crazy for taking all these pictures of me for mommy. It wasn’t long before momma came to my bed and held me again.
Oh, how I’ve longed for this moment. I have dreamt of this moment for as long as i could remember. She smells so good, I remember thinking as i lay my head onto her chest.
“Oh god i don’t want to leave. I want this life. I want this life with her. I need this life with her.”
He replied back, “i will give you time. But not long. Ill see you soon.”
Mommy had to go back to her room but said as soon as she can feel her feet she will be back up. And she did! She came back to me.
Mommy stayed with me all night. They gave us our own room and mommy told them to take me off the machines. I wasn’t going into surgery. Mommy wanted me all to herself for as long as she could. She knew i wouldn’t be here long. But how did she know? Is this what god was talking about when he said mommy always knows best?
They let us go back to her room the next day and i got to have a sleepover with mommy. Oh, how that made me feel so good. She held me all night. Then her phone went off and she started crying again.
I looked up and saw papa in the light and i knew immediately why momma was crying. Papa was scared and was waiting for me at the gates. But i couldnt leave yet. I just couldn’t. We didn’t get enough time.
“Come Holland, its time to go.” I heard god in the background.
“No. Not yet. Please give me more time.”
“You have 24 hours. We need you.”
Momma held me all day. I dont think she even slept. But i cant go if shes watching me. I cant do that to her. I just cant.
I gave her all the signs i could to let her know it was time.
She shut her eyes for five minutes and papa came and got me.
“Mommy, please know i love you. Daddy, please understand. Just hold onto mommy until i finally can.”
Holland Rhaye 💕