Oh Holland, today I am remembering you.

On my way up to the hospital to see your papa all the memories of driving up here every single month flooded through me.

All the miles, all the testing, ultrasounds, phone calls, doctors and hospital bills. All of it. It was worth every single penny. It was worth every single sad moment because I got to hold you in my arms. It was worth it.

All the sweet precious memories of you will forever be in my heart.

The way you crossed your tiny little fingers, and always had a fist. Your sweet tiny little feet the size of a quarter were always so cold, but the socks never fit.

Today I’m remembering your curly strawberry blonde hair, the way you would cry every time we fed you because it hurt so bad and broke my heart. How every time you would breathe your entire stomach would sink in and we would see your ribs. Oh sweet girl you were such a fighter. Your tiny little hole on the side of your head where your ear was suppose to be but never formed.

I wish so badly you were here. I remember when you came out you were purple and your legs were clear above your head. Shortly after you started to turn colors and were soon the color of your big sister… tan! Seriously how are my daughters so tan but I’m pale as a ghost??

The way you would open your eyes every time you heard mommas voice. You turned right to me. You knew exactly who I was.

It has been just over 3 months since you said goodbye and left my world shattered, broken and on that hospital room floor. It doesn’t even seem real.

But baby, just know that I am remembering you today and for all the days of my life.

We put so many flowers on your grave. Isn’t your headstone beautiful?

This entire year has been nothing but a trial. I have to keep telling myself that god doesn’t give us what we can’t handle but boy is he testing us!

In December (2016) my family & I lost my aunt. On February 21, 2017 my grandpa, my very last living grandpa took his last breath and flew to the angels. He was always someone I could go to ask about anything. He was my doctor. Always had the right medicine and a bandaid in his wallet…  The very next day February 22, 2017 his great granddaughter met him at the gates. Oh, to just be able to be there with both of them. My grandpa struggled for months, he fought a hard, miserable battle till our sweet Holland Rhaye came into this world and he knew his time was up.

My great grandma is now struggling and will not be here long. Breaks my heart. But she has lived a very long life. She has lived many years without her sweet husband by her side and I’m sure she cannot wait to see him again! That rekindle is going to be the sweetest!

My dad. My hero, best friend, confidant, the guy that always puts me in my place, whom I take after so much and is the best grandpa to our Hayven is having such a rough time. He has been living in the hospital and it is breaking my heart. Every time I get a text my heart beats a little faster in fear that it will be something worse. Every time we see light at the end of the tunnel darkness seems to take over. Every time. I just need to see the light and get through this year. I can’t take anymore heartbreak I really don’t think I would survive.

{I wish I could go into more depth on my dad but he is so private (also something I take after, we both just can’t believe people actually love us), out of respect for him I will just keep it there.}

My heart aches everyday for the loss of so many people this year but there is no doubt in my mind that they aren’t happy, healthy and enjoying their time above.

If you’re the praying kind, add my family to your list. 💖

I have truly appreciated every single persons thoughts, prayers, wishes & help as we continue to mourn the loss of our beautiful daughter.

Xoxo

Tasia