February 20, 2017

My room was crowded with family when I heard a knock on my door. Two gentlemen walked in, both Drs were working on miss Hollands case. They said they needed to talk to us and that the family should probably go in the waiting room. 

They began to go over her echo results, they said her heart isn’t exactly what we had expected. It’s not in the best shape and if we wanted to do anything about it then they needed to get her up to primary children’s immediately to do any procedure that needed to be done. 

BUT I just had her a few hours ago and I would be in the hospital for atleast 3 more days. 3 more days without my baby? 3 more days she would be at whole different hospital WITHOUT her momma. 3 days she would be suffering, in pain, from a procedure that could possibly kill her faster and I wouldn’t even be there? She was 3 pounds how would she even make it? 

We had a plan from the beginning, we will not do anything to “prolong her life” as harsh and terrible as that may seem to most of you, Trisomy 18 babies do not make it. It does not matter if they are 1, 5, 16, 20. Their life is very short. If she could fight and survive years, great! That would be amazing! But every single day we would wake up in the morning and not know if she made it through the night. Every single day we would have to feel her chest to make sure her heart was still beating. She would need multiple surgeries and for what? Nothing I did would have made a difference in the long run. Trisomy 18 babies just do not make it. This is why god gave her to me. 

God had a plan for us. He needed my angel to have a body and return to him. She has duties to fulfill and I cannot step in the way of that. I would have done ANYTHING in my power if I could save her. I would give my own heart up for her if she could live a full life. 

So we decided not to have any procedures done and let her go as comfortable as possible. 

As soon as the doctors left, though I was completely exhausted and on pain meds that made me feel like a zombie I headed straight to the NICU to see my baby. 

We got to her little section of the nursery and sat there for a minute and talked with the nurses and all of a sudden her oxygen started going way down. It was only 40% oxygen but she started to turn black and “choke.” They moved the oxygen up to 60% and nothing was helping. She wasn’t breathing with her cpap on. I got out of my chair and went over to comfort her. We had no idea if this was going to be her last breath. 

The nurse went to get the doctor and he came in, bumped the oxygen to 100% but she just kept dropping. 

They told us they would take us to another room so we can have our privacy and let big sister meet her. 

Rileys mom brought Hayven up to the NICU to see her while they prepared a room for us. Hayven was SO sweet. She was so soft with her. She knew she was a baby. Seriously melted my heart. 

They came back a few minutes later and told us they had a room. We got the baby in a bed we could wheel back and headed out the door. 

We got to a room, not far from the nicu, but quiet enough for us to have some time with her if she were to pass. 

We took off all her oxygen/cpap so she could be comfortable. We left the heart monitors and oxygen monitor on her just to keep watching her levels. We stayed there all day and night. We were EXHAUSTED. Sleeping in a chair holding your baby all night takes a toll on you 😉 

I hated going back to my room to check in with my nurses and take my pain meds. I hated not being with her for those 10 minutes. 

Later that day they told us they would bring Holland into my room since it’s so hard for me to get up to the nicu after my surgery and my body needed to rest and I couldn’t because I needed her. 

February 21, 2017

At one in the morning after tossing and turning all night I called the nicu and told them to bring her to me. They wanted me to sleep for a couple hours but I couldn’t sleep at all. I just needed my baby with me. 

(My sister texted me at 2:30am and asked how holland was doing and tell me that my grandpa had passed away. He had been struggling for months. He was suffering. My sister showed my grandpa pictures of Holland and he said she was beautiful. And that night he passed.) 

As soon as they brought her to me I don’t think I put her down for a second. Going to the bathroom and putting her down for a minutes almost killed me. 

Finally, that night me and Riley were able to bath our baby for the first time! 

And we got to dress her up! 

We are so glad she got these days with us! I could not have dreamt of a better way to spend the last days of my babies life. 

Later that night she really started struggling. Her breathing would slow down and she was fighting so hard. 

We had a photographer come in and take pictures of her for her last day. We knew she wouldn’t make it through the night. 

After everyone left she started choking on stomach acid, that she began to spit up and choke on. Her heart stopped. What seemed like forever but was maybe a couple seconds she caught her breath again. She was struggling so bad, it was heartbreaking to witness. 

She continued on like this all night. Her heart stopped 3 different times and we thought we lost her but she came back each time. She was fighting so hard! She was so strong. 

(Oh my gosh I can’t believe I’m sharing this. This is killing me.) 

It was an exhausting night to say the least. I didn’t dare shut my eyes in fear that she would go without me. But I knew in my heart she didn’t want me to watch her struggle. 

Watching the love of you life, your precious baby, slowly fading away is beyond the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. 

I finally shut my eyes, I couldn’t help it, my eyes were so heavy I couldn’t keep them open. But she was in my arms every second of her life. I woke up about 4:20 on February 22nd, looked at her, felt her chest, and no heart beat. I yelled for Riley, “she’s gone Riley” “Hollands gone. Call the nurse” 

He called the nurse and doctor and they came in, checked her heart and verified she had passed. 

I knew she didn’t want me to watch her. She was waiting for me to fall asleep so she could go. 

She was so strong. Such a fighter. She held on as long as she could. She was Holland strong.

She is my angel. I held a real angel in my arms that day. 

I got to keep her as long as I wanted that day. Till I was ready to hand her over. How am I suppose to hand my baby over to a complete stranger? That was rough. 

The mortuary showed up about 1 o’clock and we said a family pray with our whole family and our last goodbyes to our sweet baby girl. 

I wrapped her in a blanket, kissed her one last time and handed her to the stranger. He turned around, walked out the door and I fell to my knees in tears. My baby is gone, no more snuggles, no more tiny mouse cries, no more kisses, and no more will I sing, “You are my sunshine.” 

I told my nurse I wanted to leave. I couldn’t stay there. So they got my paper work ready and got me discharged. 

On this day 2/22 our lives changed forever.